Cooking for Dummies, Idiots and the Stubbornly Ignorant

Egg nog ~ Egg-beater ~ Bad egg ~ Eggshell ~ Eggplant

I don't eat eggs. Not scrambled, not hard-boiled, not over-easy, not sunny-side up. Definitely not green eggs. (Or ham, for that matter, except if pressured at Thanksgiving dinners in Idaho--Paul, my taste buds still feel betrayed!) In college, my eager roommates and I loved diving into homemade cookie dough, despite the dire salmonella warnings issued by one and all. My integrity was often tested by my most "germ-suspicious" roommate.

Donia: Ooooo, cookie dough! (Pauses) Rahni, did you wash the eggs before you cracked them?

Rahni: Um . . . yes.

Of course I lied! I wanted her to enjoy the dough with the rest of us--I was just thinking of her happiness! Perhaps not of her health, but I was confident that at least her taste buds would be grateful.

But I digress . . . the dogs I'm pet-sitting for right now LOVE eggs. They quite enjoy it when I add them to their Puppy Chow. That, or I'm just not feeding them enough and they're just ecstatic that there's food in their dishes. Actually, though, I have a far stronger reputation for fattening animals than helping them stick to diets. Anyhow--I ran out of pre-boiled eggs the owners left in the fridge. Luckily, though, there were plenty of uncooked eggs in the fridge just waiting to hit the water. Realizing that I had no idea how long to boil eggs, however, I called lots of people for advice. As is often the case with first pancakes, I recommend throwing out first responses to such inquiries as well. For example--I first called Amber with my dilemma:

Amber: Ask Mom.

Rahni: Well, but I'm on the phone with you. You eat eggs, right?

After much deliberation, some witty back-and-forth . . .

Amber: I'm fairly certain--2 minutes.

I was more than fairly certain she was wrong, but politely thanked her and dialed again. Soon, I was swimming in advice about boiling times, water coverage, starting in cold water or hot, and all manner of endless ovoid trivia. Then I got steered towards the "proper" way to cook eggs.

According to Cooking Basics for Dummies . . .

Eggs should never be hard-boiled (in their shells), but rather hard-cooked. Rigorous boiling causes eggs to jostle and crack, leaving the whites tough. The correct technique is to place the eggs in cold water, bring the water to a boil, and then immediately remove the pot from the heat, as in the following steps.

1. Place the eggs in a saucepan large enough to hold them in a single layer. Add cold water to cover by about 1 inch.

2. Cover the saucepan and bring the water to a boil over high heat as fast as possible. Then turn off the heat. If your stove is electric, remove the pan from the burner.

3. Let eggs stand in the pan, still covered, for 15 minutes for large eggs, 18 minutes for jumbo, and 12 minutes for medium.

4. Drain the eggs in a colander and run cold water over them until completely cooled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but is this like how everyone on earth (except my mom) says penalize instead of the proper pronunciation of peenalize? There's no way I'm waiting that long to cook eggs for dogs. I don't even have the patience to bake potatoes in the oven for myself. (BTW--Rahni's Recipe for Potato Success: Stab, 4 minutes in the microwave, turn over, 4 more minutes, dispose of nutrient-rich peel, sprinkle with salt and pepper, serve!) They even have a 3-step process spelled out for peeling an egg! Congrats to everyone who advised 10 minutes--the dogs aren't complaining!